A step and two.

 Bismillah. 

Earlier this month, a bomb dropped to me. Ummi had been tricked into a nonexistential taxes scheme scam by the infamous LHDN guy. But to my surprise, upon our video call, Ummi appeared undisturbed -she was even beaming when recalling her unfortunate event. 

Knowing my mom who preaches on hudnuzon harder than anyone I have known, I had expected her to reconcile with such fate better than anyone I know, but not as that easy. I assumed there would be at least a bit of her wanting to vent her frustration at the bare minimum, but she was not. She was all accepting. 

After the call, I was not at ease with the whole scenario -the scam, my mom at peace, and my afterthought evaluation. As much as I have expressed in my writing previously, I have lived my life with too many fears in the beginning. But I did manage to overcome them one at a time. Still have a couple left undiscovered -patiently queuing on the list. The timely fears, in particular, my reaction and action can only be evaluated once the glass is broken. 

Of the same date, of the same day, another bomb dropped on me. I had to encounter a saddened incident immediately after Ummi's. Perhaps, Allah was testing me over my judgment towards Ummi. As expected, Ummi outshined me over this reaction-and-action test. Unlikely Ummi, I was trembling and all fragile. Not until I had the whole night grieving, I could finally find the good in the event. 

Yesterday, the test came again. This time, it dropped harder and I barely could deal with it. The first time I believe it was a mistake. The rest of the saying goes," the second it is a choice, and the third it is a habit."

The second time yet, I couldn't deal with it easily and coolly. Many times I asked myself, "How should I deal with this?" and yet I ended up with no real answer. I was reminded of the times I had been put under tests prior, Ummi's advice would typically go such "Ada lah tu hikmah insyaAllah, kita kena selalu positif dengan dugaan Allah ni." 

While I mostly will agree with her, it is never easy to plant such positive thinking into an explosive mind, into a broken and shattered heart. Into a hopelessness dream. It has always been a fight between what is the right and wrong decision, and we will never know the real trait of the decision made, not at least until for quite some time. And by then, it is too late to take a step back, and we have to live with its consequences for the rest. 

But here it is. The only weapon that I find could leverage the consequences of each decision making. Istikharah with a mountain of hope towards His Mercy. After all, Allah is the One and Only who knows what is good to one person, and the Only One who can turn a bad decision into a good one in a flash of light. 

And only to Him, we do what we have to do.