December 29, 2018

"Living upon Your Mercy"

Bismillah.

Waking up one day, hung the dream on the air,
praying to You let me succeed,
just for only today,
let me own the ownership,
I found it hard for many days,
for real to fight with myself that is not even me.

You give me the soul,
You taught me dealing with it,
I wondered why at sec,
Can't you just let me be good for real?
Now I know,
I have to pay price to Your heaven,
Does beauty is covered by storms all times?
I have questions to complaints to do,
But I found it hard still,
for a deeper conversation at past night with You.

You gave the Manual,
You gave the space,
You let me to decide by my own,
and that one only burden me hard,
I shouldn't expect it to be cheap,
but I believe You love me,
Can You help me? 
Every single breath I am trying
and all that I am afraid of for me to lose You
Help me to not lose You,
Cos I can't live no more then. 






December 10, 2018

Re-position the path.

Bismillah.

I was at my lowest point yesterday, doing completely nothing and watching one-two movies in fast forward that I wasn't even into it but it was me rebelling against all the submissions.

"hello submission I am at my leisure now so what."

Worried I might get carried away by the movies, I grabbed a book and laid on the bed, texted friends than actually reading it. The book was there by my side but I would rather to roll myself into the duvet and looking up to the ceiling reflecting upon my life to this day.

We always have that one time when we are not feeling like doing anything regardless the deadlines and it feels good to do that once in awhile. I  took few secs wondering the time I spent on the studio and yet the outcome was far from my expectation. What might go wrong? Was I not efficient and effective enough? Did I actually spending time on unnecessary details?  Should I just stop?

Spending almost my days on this worldly stuff got me into thinking that when do I possibly manage to have time to prepare for the hereafter with the best preparation?

We were having a discussion circle (usrah) at Kak Bella's when the topic was themed on the environment and nature. That many times, in surah Abasa and Almulk, both mentioning Allah's signs in the universe, His amazing creation and systematic system.

It got me into thinking what is even the best way of understanding this universe except from the education and knowledge itself?

No girl, you are not simply doing the worldly stuff if you set your intention rightfully from the beginning. Don't be cruel to the education system, be fair to each one of them and use the knowledge gained to secure you the best place in the hereafter.

 Let's not just do one when you can do both. 

" Don't simply limit the definition of ibadah into prayers, fasting and all that known religious activities. Studying working and all your daily activities can be ibadah if you place them at their upright position"

"Then is one who walks fallen on his face better guided or one who walks erect on a straight path?" 67:22




December 05, 2018

De-stressing

Bismillah.

I shouldn't be writing at this time considering two days left for my final crits and the loads of work I carry to this day, but I haven't been productive for the past one hour and still, perhaps cos of this headache and post fever effect from yesterday (or two days ago not sure).

Suprisingly writing works wonder as a therapeutic mindfulness and de-stressed -at least for me.

Looking back on the past journey of 3rd year that I have been thru, well it had only been 3 months- like seriously 3 months 😨😨😨 ??? , I can't even believe that I survive architecture to this day. Along the way I get to experiment with my lifestyle and here few things to note for my future self in case I fall into the same hole twice,

Things that can kill me inside out;

1. Music, I have stopped listening to music by earpod since mine was broken. I do listen to one once in a while especially when I stumbled upon a nostalgic one on my feed, but ever since I stopped listening to it while doing my work, I can tell that my productivity gets better. Perhaps cos I get to direct my focus to what I am doing and being full control of my works.

2. Sleep. I NEED SLEEP> NO MORE BURNING THE MIDNIGHT OIL. I set myself into a routine, sleep at 11pm wake up at 530-6am, sometimes a bit later but no more than 7am or I will be super unproductive for oversleeping.

3. Food. Urgh. Still working on this but less sugary food resulting into a well-behaved me. K. This is a hint, if I behaved weirdly it might be dose of my artificial sugar intake.

I do sometimes feel passionate for architecture that I unconsciously wish to pursue it as a career, ignoring the hassle and hurdle I had been tru. But realizing that I might be at one level abusing my own self - mentally, physically and spiritually, I might have to let it go *cries inside*.




I dream of designing sth like this one day. 







November 10, 2018

min-e

Bismillah.

you are beautiful, for giving up your old young habits, for wanting to start a good life, for keeping your promises, for your dedication to your study -of your sparkling passion tru your eyes.

you have one good soul, a solid soul for deen, a bright soul for society, a delicate soul to your family,
a lonely soul for me.

i need you, your bright soul to light my dark, your beautiful soul to colour my ugly.





November 04, 2018

Attract-tention

Bismillah.

I. Law of Attention

I got it now. Whenever I was under pressure, I couldn't write anything -or draw something. All I want is attention.

 A huge attention I got in Malaysia but not here.

"Xlih drive lagi, setahun doh tinggal belajar keto," my mom who was trying to make me stay at home the whole summer.

"Come doh berat gini," my grandma's response whenever I asked her if I was too chubs and in need for losing weight diet. She seems not to like it whenever I refused food cos I wanted to control my weight. No, you don't do that at your grandma's house.

My two big brothers who were teasing me around or my aunts who were keeping me as a companion wherever they had to be.

I have always been seeking for the attention in UK -to make up for huge void that exists somewhere in my heart, a long for home. Lucky I got housemates who don't mind me crushing into their room for small talks or my hormonal attitude. But there's a subtle boundary, of time and privacy.

Compare to four of us, I might be the one who with slightly bigger capacity of attention required but slightly lesser capacity of attention to give. Hmm can this be a new finding -law of attention?


the everyday silence motivation


good to have brothers w sense of humour and care







II. Law of Attraction


But even in Law of Attraction we are of what we decided to 'consume'. If positive energy is what we charged ourselves with, the positive one as well is what we discharged from ourselves.

The kind of attention I had been receiving from my family all this while is a positive one -love, affection and kindness. That kind of environment made me who I am today. Now, I have to struggle of my own to survive this world of mixed energy, the good and bad. My family has charged me to full with positivity and now it is my turn to spread it to benefit others and myself eventually. If I am succeeding in charging the bad one with positivity, there's less energy required for me to fight the negative and they can charge me back whenever I'm in low.

That way I can survive wherever I am! We benefit each other:)

Thus me seeking attention is a way for me to charge myself back for society goodness (lol)

The trouble is in the mind, for the body is only the house for the mind to dwell in, and we put a value on it according to its worth. Therefore if your mind has been deceived by some invisible enemy into a belief, you have put it into the form of a disease, with or without your knowledge. By my theory or truth, I come in contact with your enemy and restore you to your health and happiness. 



Negative for negativity


Positive for positivity







October 17, 2018

Another random morning rant

Bismillah.

"Kalau I ni gifted, I akan jadi macam Hikari," Hadira joked around. I rolled my eyes.
"No Hadira, we're going to behave like most of the genius; looking down to the lower one," I corrected her.

This year, I decided to go to Unit 1A. Hadira being a loyal student decided to stay in Unit 5A, our unit as last year, sticking to Alison's programme which she believed she will have a hard time to adapt to a new one.

She is right.
Adapting is not easy.

Unit 1A has been introduced as one of the most intense units during the units presentation. I didn't know what possess me at that time, maybe love at first sight of their slides, or its projects, but today I partially regret for my decision. Almost every time I broke down I would go to Hadira's for a complaining session (read: comforting each other session) . It feels good to have someone to talk through your studio and actually understand it. Lucky me, tho Unit 1A tough as no joke at all, HE doesn't leave me by myself -at all. I met Jo, my groupmate for ESA last year who I can exchange hi and my disagreement on any issue, Hikari, a Singaporean who doesn't look down upon my lacking and still willing to explain step-by-step to me, few people who are kind and easy to get along with. I am not alone, wherever I go, HE will send me help.

I am not gifted in architecture I must admit that, but what I would say I am gifted with is using software and bits of computer thingy which help me to score better and survive this course.

Few times, when I was in a group project for subject that I am excel at, I found it was hard to work with those who were struggling with the same subject.

Role shifted, I believe HE wanted me to understand those who were struggling better, I had been put into a situation where its brief is not my forte. I felt offended whenever I got the vibe someone was looking down on me. No guys, this is not my forte, I am struggling here -is what I wanted to shout to them. Please don't leave me behind is another sentence I would like to scream at the top of my voice.

But no one get it right at the first time. Instead of complaining, what I can do is struggling like those who had it the same. As much as I have to struggle to deal with my overthinking, this has to be more. As much as I had gave my all for Alevel, this deserves that same effort. I believe this experience given is to teach me two things;
 1. Don't look down on anyone but offer helps anytime.
 2. Not being gifted is not sth ppl will get mad at you at but being lazy.

Yes, I am just a lazy bum.



September 15, 2018

Dear diary,

Bismillah,

I was looking for my old diaries; I have been writing and collecting personal journal since I was in primary school (perhaps standard 4 or 5?). Since my youngest sister took over (and conquered *roll my eyes*) my room after I left house to do Alevel at MKIC, my personal belongings were all over the place.

"mana diari yang kc simpan dulu?"
"ada dlm kotak.,"
"ada dkt almari buku bilik kaknik,"
"ada umi suruh sumayyah simpan satu tempat,"

Nope.
I was keenly disappointed.
But then I found an old photo album, I picked one from the dark wood bookcase, flipped through the album, smiling to ears for the old sweet memories.

These photos when I was 1-2 years old, growing up with tantrum should remind me that I am a dear daughter to two: my mom and dad. I shouldn't give up like how they never give up on me.






I know that sometimes I felt like I have no one when I forgot that I have them:')




and these two :)




 Well, at least I still have my writings since 2012 here. Good thing that I started blogging quite early. My past diaries were full of my love confession anyway; nothing worth of keeping them. (me trying to be positive and optimistic)

September 12, 2018

12 Sept

Bismillah.

I haven't read any book since last month. My reading on Diary of A Young Girl, Anne Frank only lasted five pages, early August when I first arrived at Pahang. I have been channeling my attention to Whatsapp and Instagram, letting my guard off.

This morning, I got the chance to accompany my aunt to Syariah court on her personal case.
"Nanti dekat sana Hajar dapat tengok macam-macam jenis kes yang melibatkan rumahtangga," she was trying to bait me to tag her along. She knew that I'm into "hal-ehwal rumahtangga" these days.
On our way to the court, that we were late 30 mins but apparently we had to wait another one hour upon our arrival, I had myself attacked by the negative aura.

"Why can't everyone get married and live happily?"
"Why they had to cheat?"
"Why they can't love each other and try to be a better person together?"
"The kids aren't at fault, they're still young to experience the trauma,"

If there's someone who is so paranoid about marriage, it would be me. I'm traumatized by my own experience, as well as from broken families of people I personally know and those 'rumahtangga' stories from IIUM confession and KRT pages. Well, I have stopped consuming myself those negative sources when I started to realize that negativity is unhealthy and contagious.

I have no solution to cure my negative outlook on marriage, but if there's sth that I have learnt from my own experience, it would be to not love anyone more than you love Allah. When He is your main priority, you would find your inner peace come rain or shine. This is a self-reminder for my own self and everyone else who had the heartbreak in the past.












September 04, 2018

22-years old complaining

Bismillah.

I spent two weeks at my aunt's, Ciknie house together with Chesu for our own missions.Both my aunts each of them is raising a daughter, 11-months and 3-years old in 2 months.

They are so noisy.

It has been awhile since I had to deal (read: live) with child of below 5. Babies are noisy because they wants their mom and her milk. Year 2-3 are noisy since this is the age where the toddlers are going through the emotional development. I am not that kind of kids lover, I am more into playing-with-kids-because-you-want-to-help-them-develop. Aminah, the one who eats a lot will cry aloud whenever she's hungry. Naznin, she loves to experiment and crave for lots of attention. Well, Aminah also needs her attention -only when she wants to be fed with something (She never refused anything I fed her so far so food-lover this Aminah).

Naznin on the other hand, will do anything to get your attention. There was this one time I was upset on sth that I refused to play with her, she decided to throw a massive ball towards me -just to get my attention off the mobile. I tried to reschedule the play on another day with her, " Naznin, let's play tomorrow morning?", having to deal with a 2-years old kids means they always do what they want at their own timing. "I want to play tonight," she kept throwing the ball till it hit me. That attitude plus me having to deal with another misery it got my nerves. It didn't stop there, she had her temper tantrum the whole night, I got another hit on my chin by a bottle of shampoo, HMMPH, I SPENT MORE THAN 300 FOR MY SKINCARE: HELLO PULIS.

It was my fault for not acknowledging the priority's list. But it is a real tough assignment to raise kids 😩. 

One time I was left with both kids, on my right Aminah was crying hungry and she wasn't comfortable with her diaper, on my left Naznin who wanted to feed me her playdough cake. The next 3mins, both of them were fighting with each other when Aminah wanted to eat Naznin's playdough. Crying and screaming. Naznin pushed Aminah away, Aminah fell, cried and up again, trying to steal Naznin's for many times that she pushed Naznin to her tantrum limit. 

Chesu came to the rescue from the kitchen. I was already game-over. She smiled,"I think you aren't into marriage after babysitting them right?". "At least not at this age," I left her with a two for a shower. 

I'm planning to get my degree done (next year) and master for two years before registering myself into 'wife-mother' club. And within those three years, I pray to You, please don't let my heart being attached to any idle and unbeneficial love. Don't let me fall easily over fake promises, Amin.

im only sweet 22
she refused to go down the slide w/o her mom






August 30, 2018

The Tempo-rary


Bismillah.

I
My heart as bright as Canola,
blooming by sunlight.

II
You,
Blue sky white clouds.

III
The stunning view of yellow Canola field,
Only in summer.




July 29, 2018

He who found a why to live for can bear any how

Bismillah.

Looking back to my posts when I was a teen, I cared about school, study, family, donkeng love-friendship and perhaps my so-called ambition?

I did feel upset and confused -but on things beyond any world problem.

Moving on to twenty-ing, perhaps my life priorities haven't changed much but the circle has expanded. I have yet to figure out my ambition -but it's called ikigai in adult language.

Within a month I resided my parents' house, I only afforded to organize two meet up sessions with my friends. Catching up with their life after more than a year we hadn't see each other was beautiful.
We talked like that months gap was just a time passed by that I thank to Him for these lovely friends.

"What stop you from suicide?" Ka asked me when we met on 21st July, days ago.

Suddenly my vision was all-black. I felt a heavy burden possessed my heart. I looked to her. I knew I had to give her an answer tho I didn't even know what was the right answer. I don't even know what is the answer but I want to live.

I want to live although I don't have a solid reason to.
I want to get up from my bed everyday tho I don't have anything waiting for me each day.
I just want to.

Do we need a reason to breathe?

"Everyone has ikigai -a reason to live" -Hector & Frances

Is that enough if I live because He gives me this life?
Do I suffer from existential crisis?





July 01, 2018

Pendirian Kartini

Bismillah.

Selepas 48 jam penerbangan dari Manchester-Muscat-Combolo-Kuala Lumpur-Kelantan, akhirnya aku dapat bertemu mata dengan keluarga. Kali terakhir kami saling berpelukan setahun yang lalu, di KLIA. Penerbangan pulang sempena summer break itu pada awal perancangannya, pada pagi 28 itu aku sudah meluru ke pintu ketibaan Lapangan Terbang Sultan Ismail Petra, mengheret bagasiku seberat 27 kg.

Entah bagaimana, perancangan cuma tinggal perancangan, lapangan terbang Manchester itu ternyata tidak se-gah namanya. Masakan lapangan terbang yang sudah beroperasi 80 tahun, dengan dua kali pengalaman yang sama, tidak mempunyai solusi yang pantas dan cekap bila kejadian power cut itu terulang kembali jam 615 petang waktu UK pada 26 Jun 2018.

Entah, mungkin aku cuma pandai mengkritik sedang aku sendiri tidak dapat mengsolusikan permasalahan kecil dalam hidupku.

Penerbangan kami pada 815 malam tertunda ke jam 12 malam. Mustahilnya bagi kami untuk kejar connecting flight di Muscat. Di sini aku mengagumi kecekapan Oman Air mengatur plan B mereka untuk penumpang bernasib seperti aku, Sharina dan Mimi supaya kami masih dapat pulang ke tanah air kami, menyaksikan sendiri Malaysia Baru. Mungkin kalau Oman Air lebih teliti dalam hal pengurusan bagasi penumpang, aku mungkin akan mendaftar diri sebagai frequent flyer mereka. Mungkin. Setelah 2 hari menunggu, ceri yang aku packed dalam kotak kasut dibalut plastik putih cerah dihimpit oleh baju dan beg dalam bagasiku itu sudah mula mengdehidrasi.  Kurang dari separuh yang masih elok rupanya. Kecewa sekali.
nasib baik setiap transit dapat meals voucher

muscat airport transit 1


Sepanjang perjalanan yang mungkin paling lama pernah aku ambil (setakat ini), beberapa kali aku terpaksa menahan diri dari tertidur untuk tempoh waktu tertentu di atas flight. Antara dua sebab utamanya, menunggu waktu subuh dan memberi peluang untuk makanan lunch/dinner aku sekurangnya sampai ke ususku. Tidak selamanya aku dapat menahan tidurku, sekali-kali sakit juga melawan raja nafsu ini. Ada satu kali itu aku memilih untuk menonton wayang asia sebagai alternatif terakhirku.


Kartini. Wayang dari indon menjadi pilihanku.

Sangkaku wayang ini mungkin membosankan melihat pada tajuk dan thumbnailnya. Ternyata garapan plot ceritanya dan sinematologinya tidak mengecewakanku. Film biografi yang diarah oleh Hanung Bramantyo ini mungkin antara yang paling aku gemari, mengisahkan tokoh wanita Indonesia yang cuba memecahkan persepsi masyarakat sekeliling  di daerahnya terhadap darjat wanita.

Secara ringkasnya, Kartini tidak melihat perkahwinan sebagai solusi terakhir wanita untuk dianggap berharga dan bermaruah. Tapi dia memilih untuk mengangkat maruah dirinya sendiri dengan menjadi orang yang berpendidikan dan berpendirian berbeza dari wanita setempatnya pada masa itu.

Aku kagum bilamana Allah mengilhamkan aku dengan wayang ini disaat mana aku terdetik mahu menyerahkan masa hadapanku pada perkahwinan. Fikirku mungkin perkahwinan boleh mengubah perjalanan hidupku yang masih terumbang ambing ini. Memang, aku akui aku sering kali berubah-ubah imanku, semangatku dan pendirianku. Maka aku harapkan Dia menganugerahkan aku seseorang yang dapat sekurangnya membuka hatiku pada istiqamah itu.

Tapi lupa saja aku, yang perlu berubah itu aku maka yang mahukan perubahan itu mulanya dari aku dan langkah permulaan itu perlu diambil oleh aku.

Kenapa saja aku masih mengharapkan pada seseorang itu sedang seseorang itu juga mahukan seseorang untuk mengubahnya. Dan takjubnya aku pada kepercayaan yang aku telah letakkan pada seseorang yang belum aku kenali, mungkin pernah berjumpa mungkin tidak. Yang entah siapa namanya juga aku tidak tahu.

Atau mungkin bukan dia yang aku percayakan, tapi Dia.

kalau saja furrow tidak membuka pintu lubangnya, mampukah air laut Amalfi sampai ke kaki kita yang berdiri ini?

June 22, 2018

I Raya

Bismillah.

OK. I'm literally 'hotting' right now. Have been editing a photobook since two days ago. The first day was good, second wasn't a productive one -I spent my night at Alina's since Sharina wasn't home yet. I need to finish it before I go back home for summer break and voila my photoshop just decided to crash. I AM OKAY. 11 am to 12 pm to 4 pm.

I AM DONE. *close the apps, pick Siti- Sesuci lebaran, create a new post*

Today is day 7th of eid! This year I celebrate my Raya in UK. My first time ever experiencing 30 days fasting for 18 hours and celebrating my first day of Raya with friends. My second Raya that I don't have it in Pahang.

I'm a Kelantanese -but little did ppl know I was born in Pahang and I had only once celebrated my Raya in Kelantan (so far)

But I can't deny it was a little less merry Raya for me this year without my family.

Nevertheless Malaysians in Notts -those who weren't going back for Raya, were ready to fight this homesickness syndrome. The food, the environment and the vibe were no less to that Raya in Malaysia. Thanks to them, I had a great time till I forgot to record the vids tch.

I took few recordings and since this is a new experience for me I compiled all of them anyway.
Next year I might have have my Eid in Notts again sobs.

The undergraduates

61 Beeston Road open house!


Makciks membawang
Gotong-royong foods

Siapa berani curi rendang gue

me video-ing my raya


June 13, 2018

May's goal: Video video video!

Bismillah.

OK. Finally. It's really hard to start writing again after you took a break from writing and reading. Phew.

Few days before Ramadhan, I did a goal list for Ramadhan and May; which some of them I did it some of them I couldn't accomplish it since I still had 1st June Portfolio Submission. It was so hard to find time for myself *when I had few mins for myself I chose to lay on the bed instead of doing any of my to-goal-lists* and after 1st June, I couldn't get away from my bed; I simply fell in deep love with it.

Videoing was one of what I would like myself to start doing it and lock it as one of my hobbies. I found myself reminiscing bit by bits of my past (good and bad ones) and felt slightly shame for not being able to re-connect all of the memories -neither in my mind nor in my heart.

I am that kind of person who appreciates art of videography and photography more than painting and architecture (HAH) that I decided to start making good videos since I made some improvement on my photography skills and its editing.

June is my debut month. It might be too late since I only have one year left in UK but meh better late than never.

Still a beginner; don't judge.

1. Last week, after two of my housemates, Hana and Hajjar went back to Malaysia -for summer break, Sharina and I are the only two occupying the house. Trying to cheer up this heart -that missing home and family *Play Sudirman Dari Jauh ku Pohon Maaf* , we baked some kueh raya. Sharina made kuih mazola with me as the sous-chef or more the videographer haha.




2. The next day, I went out to the city (for the first time this Ramadhan) for iftar with my archi-girlfriends. Sharina invited me for chicken chop with her usrahmates but I had to turn down her invitation since Camy was going back to Malaysia so soon.





3. I just came back from 5-days trip: Sheffield for iftar at Iman's house, London, Oxford and Legoland Windsor trip with Sharina and Mimi. I need some rests but I can't resist myself to compile the video. I found myself either editing the video right away after the event or not doing it at all.






I have lots of plan for summer! Hopefully this exciting energy is not going to drain so soon. 

May 20, 2018

Of telekung

Bismillah.

"Stretttttt"

Langkahku terhenti mendengarkan bunyi itu. Tertegun dan terpaku. Melihat pada telekung putih pada sarunganku aku kehilangan kata dan perasaan. Yang pertama aku kasih. Yang baru saja minggu lepas aku rendamnya ke dalam campuran Persil dan pewangi lavender. Telekung yang satu ini yang paling aku berkeyakinan memakainya, yang ukuran mukanya tepat seperti yang aku impikan.

Ramadhan ini, masuk hari ketiga semalam dan keempat hari ini, aku sudah niatkan mahu mempersiapkan diri aku sebaiknya. Seolah menyambut raya, aku belikan diriku dua jubah baru dan beberapa helai tudung baru. Telekung yang paling aku suka itu aku cuci dari awal. Ramadhan ini, aku mahu kelihatan cantik dan rapi. Aku cuba menyelitkan semangat Ramadhan itu dalam diriku.

Ingat lagi waktu pulang cuti summer lalu, aku mintakan telekung lain dari ummi. Walhal aku telah berpunya dua telekung muka di UK itu. Malah yang dua itu ummi tempahkan daripada ibu saudaraku, custom made katanya, persiapan awal sebelum aku fly awal hari dulu. Aku mintakan Ummi telekung yang aku gunakan waktu MKIC lalu. Kataku ukuran mukanya tepat sekali, selesa dan cantik sekali. Masa raya lalu itu juga, saat ummi tanyakan kalau aku mahu telekung baru, aku cuma mintakan yang satu itu.

Warnanya putih langit yang aku pasti nama jolokannya telekung vietnam, berfabrik licin berhiasankan sulaman bunga ros timbul dan lingkaran berselang seli dengan simpulan pada hujungnya.

Ini telekung yang antaranya aku sendiri jaga setelah sekiannya ummi yang merapikan telekung kami di rumah.

Hatiku remuk berkecai. Cepat aku sarungkan telekung yang lagi satu; yang custom madenya; mendapatkan mereka yang lain yang menungguku dipintu. Setiap langkah yang aku ambil malam itu ditemani fikiranku, berkira-kira; Bagaimana seharusnya aku respond untuk hal ini?

Sampai saat aku menulis ini aku sendiri tidak tahu harus bagaimana aku berinteraksi pada insiden itu. Semalaman itu saja aku sudah mainkan kata "kalau saja aku.."yang pasti sikap itu ditegahnya.
"Orang mukmin yang kuat lebih baik dan lebih disukai oleh Allah berbanding orang mukmin yang lemah. Dalam setiap perkara ada kebaikan. Perhatikan apa yang memberi keabikan kepada kamu. Mohonlah pertolongan daripada Allah dan janganlah berasa lemah. Jika kamu ditimpa sesuatu (masalah) janganlah kamu berkata, “Kalau aku melakukan ini dan ini (nescaya tidak berlaku masalah ini). Tetapi katakanlah, “Allah telah menetapkan apa yang dikehendakiNya. Sesungguhnya ungkapan ‘kalau’ membuka ruang kepada Syaitan (untuk menyesatkan)"

Mahu saja aku berterusan meratapi tapi takutku kalau saja aku mainkan kata negatif lainnya. Maka aku diamkan diri dan berfikir, apa hikmah disebalik ini. Pasti ada saja yang Dia mahu aku pelajari dari kisah ini. Aku tulis saja insiden itu disini, moga dengan itu hati aku lebih tenang. Moga aku belajar, semua yang hidup ada akhirnya, maka berpadalah aku pada kecintaanku pada sesuatu itu melainkanNya.

Moga kesedihanku bukan kerana aku menyesali, cukup saja kerana menghormati jasa telekungku itu sehingga kini. Moga juga aku belajar, yang dinilainya bukan pada luarannya tapi dalamnnya; niatku dalam beribadat.

Amin.

cantik sekali koyaknya<3

April 25, 2018

Figuring my own-steel

Bismillah.

I walked up the hill to the studio, with mixed feelings, for a tutorial session at 3.30 pm. It was raining heavily that afternoon, luckily I managed to borrow a black umbrella from my housemate, Hajjar.

That morning, while waiting for my toilet turn, I read an article, beautifully wrote by Syed Azmi, who I believe contributed so much to humanity. He published a post on his Facebook wall regarding a group of women in my country, who didn't get the access to the hygienic sanitary towels, used small lump of newspaper as substitution. I was taken aback by the post; maybe I was too blind to realize but there's someone else who's having their life harder, when I thought I had it hard enough, than me.

I do know the expensive sanitary pad cases in India, I'm exposed to the humanitarian crisis happening all around the world; but least did I care to dig into the problem of my own society. Maybe I'm that kind of person - Kuman di seberang laut nampak, gajah di depan mata tak nampak.

Following Syed Azmi on facebook has widen my range of awareness. I stopped in the middle of my way and looked up to the sky. The rains were dancing before me. The cloudy sky greeted my eyes. But really, what can I do? What can this small lady -with lack of power, lack of iman and everyday battling with her laziness, is capable of doing something to the world? Why You even created me when You know this limit of my capability? The cold wind slapped my face.

material maquette for tectonic 2A

My tutorial went well -but I'm still miles away from an excellent project. Meeting Dan and talked through my ideas was really fun but sometimes I had it hard to embrace the fact that I did less than requirements. I flipped through the ideas and jotted down Dan's. Where did Dan get that determination to do what he's doing right now? Dan is one of the guest tutors for our unit. He is a real architect on the outside and recently nominated (or won already?) for an award for one of his projects. It was just an extension project but he did all his best. Despite all recognition he received, Dan spent his time to get us on the right track.

My angelic soul tried to answer back to my question, I was attacked by this 'anti self-destruction' movement leaded by my own soul -the good side of me while my bad side decided to stay away from this subject. "Let G-side carries out her plan," said my B-side.

"We're also learners, we learn from you, our students," I remembered getting this from one of my tutors. Maybe Alison or Liz -or maybe I read it somewhere on an architecture article.

"Allah knows you can't do it by yourself, that's why He told us to do our best and let He do the rest," a positive comment I gained from my previous post. So, I only carry a responsibility at my owns limit right?

I looked again to Dan. He was talking to Dianelle with his passionate eyes. I could feel his determination vibe one and a half metre from where he sat.
                                  
Remember that one time you had a goal when you were in primary school? You saw a big abandoned dusty bungalow across the street while waiting for your ABC at Cikdah's, your friend who caught your doing told you about its owner, that he intended to manage an orphanage, but he went abroad for some reasons and since then no one did care for this project. You had this first impression of the owner; what a pure intention! and then you were so excited the whole day, trying to figure out how such an individual can have such a pure intention at the first place till you got to the point you couldn't figure out so you, being a kids, decided to follow his steps -so that I can feel what he felt when he made such a pure intention. That first goal you had, it leaded you to who you are right now. That one goal you made, you even imagined its design, its sustainability, it was architecture that you wished for at the first place. That was your first step to contribute to the society -sacrificing all the other dreams for one dream,

 am I a good person now?

I stuffed the A2 panels into large plastic cover. Ilyia was at my back while I was writing on my sketchbook when she whispered, "Let's go back home." I turned to her and caught a glimpse of dancing rain from the glass panels surrounded the skylight.

So, what is my limit?



Clear sky after rain


April 07, 2018

Ummi

Bismillah.

I woke up at 1.30 am last night because I didn't switch off the light. After updating my travelling journal, I decided to take a nap before subuh; prolly two hours.

I closed my eyes at 2.44 am but only did sleep an hour afterwards. Within that 1 hour period of pretending to be involved in phases of sleep; all I did was flashing back my conversation with my mom two weeks ago. It was so disturbing that I ended up crying in my 'sleep'.

Two weeks ago.

I was at the IT service Engineering department branch. My external hardrive - that contains all my no-back-up-at-all works and pictures wasn't working. I had an INTERIM CRITS the next day and had planned to print off the panels that day. I whatsapped my mom and she vidcalled me.

Many times, when I was in low or hard times I would beg her to pray for me; to Allah. I deduced my act upon the priority of mother in one's life, her status in islam; that your paradise lies at her feet.

“And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, “My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims.”(Quran: Al-Ahqaaf 15)
I want Allah to bless my doing as my mom did bless me.

But maybe He had a better plan for me -the drive couldn't be fixed.

"I doubt of pursuing architecture as my future" I started to lose my hope on this. "But I will finish what I am doing right now; I just don't have confidence I can do it anymore longer; not for another one year nor for the entire of my life."

My mom being a typical mom -"Your dad is going to be upset. We thought this is what you wanted to do so much back then?"

My mom, she sounded so much like those mak-maks from 7pm series.

"Mom, I have no idea what kind of plan He had/has for me -not few years back nor few years in the future. I have no idea mom. This was what I wanted to do and even now I want to believe that this is what I want to do; but I have no idea really"  I strained my voice.

We both silenced for a moment.
"I feel so stupid in this course; I didn't feel like I am studying; it's more like I am doing it for the sake of my pride. I didn't top any subjects. I completely defeated." 

I know my parents trust me a lot. If they don't they wouldn't let me go to UK. If they don't they wouldn't let me go for architecture. If they don't they wouldn't let me decided by myself when I need that after-school tutorial and when I think I should quit for one.

Their trust- up until now- hasn't get any lesser.

"We never know when we're going to die. You don't have to plan for future so much because you never know when you really need to stop that you might end up with never ending life plan. Sometimes all you need is to go with the flow. Enjoy what you're doing at this moment, He will do the rest"

Our conversation ended with her persuading me to stay on the track while I on the inside split into two sides.

Tears streamed down my cheeks after I hung up the call.

It hurts. Hurt to admit that her points were somewhat the truth. Hurt that to this point -really- she is always right. Hurt that I'm not matured enough to drop this so-lame subject.

I have met so many people in UK where their mind aren't entirely on what course I am doing, what kind of career am I pursuing, top class first class or no.

But what matter to them -do Allah bless me for what I am doing? Am I doing something that can benefit my deen in the future? Am I going to die in husnul khatimah? Did I accomplish my responsibility as caliph and 'abd appropriately?

I feel deeply ashamed of myself.

















March 19, 2018

"MOK"

Bismillah.

Seharian aku menunjah ilmu baru ke dalam otakku. Penuh terisi tapi sunyi dan kelam rasanya. Aku tanyakan berkali; apa ini yang kamu mahu? Apa ini yang kau cari, Hajar?

Diam dan sepi.

Tiap kali dia tanyakan; apa kamu mahu sertai perjuangan ini? Jarang ku tolak. Ku penuhi janjiku dan aku yakin itu aku mahu. Walhal aku sendiri tahu, seolahnya bukan aku yang inginkan tapi kerana dikau, kerna auramu itu aku turuti.

Terdiam malu.

Dulu pernah juga di sekolah, dia berkaca mata menjenguk lintasan mindaku. Karisma dan 'kacak' katanya. Bukan cuma dia, yang lain tak kalah berpusu mahu penuhi hatiku. Bersama setia ke mana, yang diperjuangkan cuma dua tiga orang hitam dan latarnya; tapi aku seru. Seolah kalian warna baru hidupku. Yang selama ini aku cuma berteman buku dan guru. Saat kalian tinggalkanku sendiri, sudahlah ditambah tanggungjawab diatasku sendiri, aku sepi lagi. Menangis dalam hati; apa kalian mengerti?

Diam pilu.

Kini, satu dewasa serta tiga yang lain. Aku tahu dan aku mengerti, tiga empat bulan lagi kau mahu lari jauh dari kami. Aku mengerti ini mungkin pertemuan terakhir; bisa jadi. Aku mengerti yang kau mengerti lebih dari kami. Aku mengerti. Tapi hatiku sulit berhenti. Kalau aku bisa ikat kaki kau ke tiang isyarat, suka saja aku lakukan. Namun apa saja aku bisa perlakukan tapi menikmati sisa baki perjuanganmu di sini. Menghargaimu dan usahamu. Dirimu dan diri kita semua.

Diam menangis.

Kalau saja kau tau aku mungkin hanyut tanpamu disisi, mungkinkah kamu tinggal lagi di sini? Kau kata usah bimbang ada yang akan jaga. Siapa dia tidak aku kenal sombong saja kau mahu lari. Hari ini aku sepi lagi. Cepat saja kau ingatkan saat untuk berpisah. Ingin aku jerit; biar aku saja yang tentukan waktu pisahnya! Kau yang salahnya kau yang jebak aku ke dalam ini kau yang bawa aku sampai sini lalu kau tanyakan waktu pisahnya?!

Diam kali terakhir.

Hari ini aku berpisah sementara darimu, tahu saja aku kau tiga empat langkah dariku lagi. Sampai nanti perpisahan benarnya, saat kau tujuh lapan waktu bezanya, itu pasti terjadi. Perit hatiku menanggung kau usah peduli. Jalanlah ke depan biarku sembunyi, sosokmu terakhir kanku ingati.





March 14, 2018

Cari aku

Bismillah.

First in 2018; yep it is. Finally. I decided to write back after a long hiatus. In that period of time I spent most of my days recovering from pain and acknowledging myself.

_hiatus_

Beberapa waktu lalu aku ke rumah dia. Dalam fikirku, perlunya seseorang untuk bicara, untuk aku curahkan segala benak fikiran perasaanku.

Sempat aku ke kedai membeli beberapa jambak anggur; sekurangnya aku beralasan untuk tinggal lama. Sekurangnya sehingga habis dilahapnya anggur ini.

"Ttakk ttok"

"Ttakk ttokk"

"Dia ada?"

"Ada, ke atas"

Langkah malasku ke biliknya. Dia menyambut dengan senyum anaknya, barangkali baru cerah matanya dari lelap. Aku mula bicara, soal niat asalku; kerja dan itu ini. Segala yang bermanfaat aku dapati darinya aku tangkap kemaskan dan simpan untuk manfaat akalku. Sudah 5-8 minit topiknya mulai jauh tersasar. Sampai habis dikatakan masing terdiam.

"Terkadang saya mahu lari sebentar dari semua tanggungjawab ini. Seketika saja cukup untuk saya" luahku malu.

"Berhenti saja sebentar tiada salahnya" dia seakan mengerti.

"Tapi buntuku, harus bagaimana lari itu. Apa ke sana sini cukup, atau apa dirumah berwayang melayu indon korea itu dapat melegakan? Harus bagaimana harus saya definisikan lari itu? Dengan abjadnya atau dengan ritmanya?". Yang benar terpendam terhambur didepannya. Aku mulai curiga kalau kataku tadi menyulitkannya. Dia diam. Detik itu aku siap untuk berundur, mungkin dia juga tiada jawapannya; fikirku.

"Awak saja tahu cara untuk cari rentak lari itu. Yang terbeban itu awak. Yang dipilihNya untuk disulitkan itu awak"

Diam lagi. Anggur sudah ke bahagian terakhirnya. Aku cepat bangkit perkemas diri segala barang

dan lari.